She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
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