This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
Randomize
