Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
