in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
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