The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Randomize
