Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
Farmville is her only friend.
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Randomize
