i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
Randomize
