I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
Randomize
