my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
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