he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Randomize
