sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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