I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
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