my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Also, upon examining the photos, I have concluded that you were the sloppiest drunk girl of the night. And that's saying something considering Hurricane Jessica was in town.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
