I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
Randomize
