sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
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