I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
Pissing in la rieve gfox. Jer zsyuis diu drunk but it felt amazunbg
Dans le librearie ivetre. Hjhaha
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
