just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
Randomize
