My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
