apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
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