she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
