good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
