he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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