Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
