just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
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