So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
Randomize
