everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
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