Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
