Tell her she can't have a vagina
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
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