Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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