Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Randomize
