He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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