'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
