Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
