just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
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