Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
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