why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
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