be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
just as he was about to cum he started shouting "I THINK I CAN! I THINK I CAN!" over and over again.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
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