Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
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