Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
let's have our labels/stereotypes/careers for each kid by next week.
oh how i love working at summer camp.
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
Randomize
