i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
