Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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