you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
