You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
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