im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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