she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
I understand. Hypothetically what should one do after throwing up in the shower?
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
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