Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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