I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Randomize
