i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
Randomize
