The maid of honor just puked.
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Randomize
