someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
Randomize
