hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
i go for whatevers easier....i'm bisexual strictly due to the convenience factor
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
