in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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