Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
