Is masturbating to pics of your ex on Facebook considered cheating?
You are proof that most things are best left unsaid.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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