I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Randomize
