Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
