so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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