yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
Hope the move went well! I'll miss you!
you are a cunt and I hated living with you and your skeezy boyfriend.Just thought I'd get that out there.
this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
Randomize
