well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
