I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
